Tuesday, February 9, 2010

tomorrow

Her hair on the pillow... eyes closed... fingers clutching my fingertips. she lay there like an angel. asleep. silent. peaceful. a few hours ago, my mind would have been a maze of questions and thoughts. but now, it was just a stream. a slow and calm one. the kind of calm i always wished existed. The pain was gone. At least for that moment it was.

I looked at the clock half lit by the shadow of the window. Sooner or later it would be time. but for all the while it wasn't, i wanted to be there. just staring at her. would it be worth it? was there any other way? it didn't matter anymore. it didn't matter what lay ahead. i had just lived my perfect life. in the chaos i had come to call a living, i had found my morsel of life.

As for her, i don't know even if she would think of me tomorrow. or the day after that. after all, she would have so much else to think about. Do many things around, so many things to discover, so many things to come. her life is just beginning. As for mine, i don't really know.

Don't even know if all the names she called me by are for real. but they felt nice. warm, somehow. Somewhere in me, I still want to hold on to them. But I also know I can't. Wish to give her the life she deserves, but is it even mine to give? The clock is still striking.

As i stroke her head, the clock comes alive with the glow of headlights. It is time. My bags are already packed. My wife waits for me at the door. The tears in the eyes are wiped clean but the moist skin gives it away. As i take my arm away from the angel in my arms, i think again if it is worth it. This ideal of the greater good that i had come to believe in. The war i'm going for. Is it really worth it? I don't know. But if today was anything to judge by, I'd like to believe I'm going... only so that her tomorrow could be even better.
After all, she's all that matters. My morsel of life.... My daughter.

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