Change. The undeniable constant of human life.
Good, bad, ugly, meaningless - it's been all kinds, all along.
Technically it's just another year around the sun as an organism on a planet that's seen the same pattern in a million lives. So maybe in the bigger picture, every experience of my life is practically pointless. BUT given the lens of my own life, it's all I have. The universe may exist on its own for eternity, but for my being, the universe, begins and ends with my own consciousness. And for that reason, every change along the way has been as intriguing as watching the evolution of life on a planet.
What's even more intriguing to me, is what remains constant through all the chaos of changes.
First off, I'm supremely grateful for having been able to live this life.
Despite its pitfalls.
Growing up through chaos, being hungry and penniless, working my way through an education, living through crippling depression, going to bed on nights hoping I never wake up the next day...
it has been excruciatingly painful no doubt. And a lot of it gave me scars I carry even today. Ghosts on my back that i have to silence time and again even now.
But it also made me value things most people take for granted. Gave me insights way beyond my age. Nurtured me to think without a box. Endowed me with a fiery lust for life and experiences.
Despite its pitfalls, I have been supremely blessed.
Blessed to find soul-soaking love with the most beautiful soul I have ever known.
Blessed to find the unfetterring love and friendship of some of the most amazing human beings to walk alongside me on this little spinny planet lost in time.
Blessed with a mind that can soak in knowledge on almost any topic I choose - literally, and teachers that are always the best in the fields I choose to learn about. (people really tend to take finding good teachers for granted - it's a gift, trust me on this)
Years ago, me and fuzzie (someone I love very dearly) were sitting at a diner late at night and talking about life - I guess I was 23/24 back then. We just randomly scrawled a list of things to do before we die. And some of those things were pretty bizzare I assure you. I don't know if I dreamt too small or chased too hard, but I have actually completed everything on my list except one thing - which is actually no biggie, and I can do it anytime. But now that it's all done, I honestly don't know if making a new list is greedy. Sort of feels ungrateful to the old list. But I guess it's the only next step ahead. Coz even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to pointlessly exist. I'm no type-A personality, but I have this longing for experiences and "achievements", this need to keep doing, keep moving, keep discovering. I guess it stems from my fear of the regret of living an unfulfilled life. But with time, i have found a way to balance it with the gratitude for a life well lived at the same time.
Does it come at a cost - this life I chose to pursue?
It comes at a massive cost. Costs that weigh against societal norms, expectations, and age old concepts like stability and rootedness. And it does weigh me down many times. So many times I think of getting back into the cubicle and leading the beautiful "normal" life of a salaried professional with a normal relationship and normal trappings - but everytime, I turn away again. I'm addicted to the beauty of this freedom I have come to live into. And honestly, it may not be a good thing. Or maybe it is. I don't know. Only time will tell.
Maybe if I find a job that doesn't suffocate the fuck out of me, I would love it to smithereens and rock the fuck out of it. But my experiences with jobs in advertising have been a saga of suffocation and soul-selling that I struggle to agree with. Idealism is a quite a bitch I tell you.
People my age are 'settled' with jobs and a family and kids and a house and a car and all the furnishings of a "good life". Whereas here I am, still living like a time surfing hippie, whose only real treasures are the people in his life and the experiences he lives.
Coming back to change. Forgive the leaps in thought as it isn't exactly coherent, this note is just me sharing my mind with myself for the ages.
I have seen many changes, but the ones that intrigue me most is seeing myself change. And how it plays into the jigsaw puzzle of life and providence.
I have seen myself being entirely stupid, be a complete jackass, proudly do things I wouldn't be proud of today, make decisions that I laugh at today, - I have seen myself change and grow with time, and the diversity of the spectrum just amazes me.
But everything has been like a nudge into becoming the person I am today, which fits in so perfectly with everything else in my life right now. I guess it's like a cause and effect loop in which you can never really tell which came first.
Of all the people in my life, I'm most grateful to the women who taught me how to love.
(you know who you are)
To the men who taught me how to keep promises and stand by their word.
and to the people who taught me that it's ok to be me - and kickass none the less.
So here I am.
36.
Living in a whole new city.
Living a life that was once a dream.
and stepping into a life that will soon have a list of new "things to do before i die".
As full of lust for life as ever. And grateful for it all the same.
- Pushkaraj S Shirke
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