learning to hate

How does a person hate someone?
More importantly how does someone hate someone he has loved?
Of all the crazy experiences that life has thrown at me, over and over again, the one thing that has always evaded me is the capability to hate. Why the hell is it so difficult for me to hate? hate those very people who have given me one hell of a time, hate them whom i have trusted in return for their betrayal, hate them who have built castles of glass around me with their promises and broken them to shards and ripped me to pieces... why cant i hate them?

Why can't i hate you?
Maybe I know the answer myself. Maybe its just my illusion again.

For those people who have been a part of my life, especially those whom i have loved... how can I possibly ever hate you? I have smiled with you, we have shared tears, I have felt your pain, I have known the broken world you live in yourself... to the extent that you have become an indelible part of me. Whenever you hurt me... its been like an aching limb- believing that if I am hurt, maybe its because you are hurt too. if you hurt me, it was because you yourself were hurting too. Maybe you just couldn’t tell me that in a different way.
The few that made promises and left them broken, maybe you did so coz i failed you in someway, maybe you did so coz I just couldn’t let you know how much those promises meant to me... or maybe, you did so coz it just helped you feel a little better.

No point in you blaming yourself. Coz no matter what, nothing changes. Because letting you into my life was as much as my decision as much as it was yours to let me into yours. Pain shall never be on just one side. and I know that. It’s been my choice to open up to a stranger and let in whatever you gave - may it be the happiness, the smiles, the tears or the pain.

Knowing all this, now you tell me, how can I ever hate you? I have loved and hoped... and so have you. and if you couldn’t keep your promises when I kept mine, I have no other way but to believe that it was my belief that failed. Not yours.

I guess the only way I know I can hate you, is the only way I know I can.
Hate you – Hate you, coz I love you so much that life just doesn’t seem the same without you.
I hate you.
-Pushkaraj Shirke