Saturday, September 12, 2015

A note for the women I love - pieces of advice from a brother, a dad, a son, a friend and a lover.

photo courtesy SHUTTERSTOCK.com
There are many things I always want to tell the women I love - but i may not always find the time or i may not always be around. So i am writing this down as my personal advice for you to remember. This is nobody else's business to comment on. This is just my advice to all the women I care about - daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, colleague or just any woman I care about.

This is for you to read and remember. I'm no guru on life or someone who has lived a flawless life, but from all the many experiences of my own and others that I have witnessed, I find certain things to be a pattern in life. Constant. Unchanging despite the times and cultures. And these are just a few of those things. So read and remember or maybe just trash it after reading. But do read it at least once.
Here goes:

1. Love happens, shit happens, whatever the fuck happens, GET EDUCATED. Complete your education in a field you love. And get FINANCIALLY INDEPENDANT.
Coz no matter what family or spouse you may have, never rely in them as a crutch. Always be able to stand your own ground. You never know what life might have in store for you. Also, being financially independent yourself makes you capable of helping the people you love in their times of need.

2. Do whatever you want, dress the way you like, eat - drink - smoke - dope - do whatever you want BUT be situationally and socially aware at all times. Yes you have the right to dress any way you want, and it is no invitation to be raped, but once raped, you are still raped even if you win the case and even though it was NOT your 'fault'. So it's not MCP of me to tell you that you need to know your social limitations and tread carefully so that shit doesn't happen. It's genuine concern. We don't live in utopia. We need to be real. And in case shit does happen, don't let fear keep you down - report it, fight it, talk to your circle of trust about it. Never let a situation make you a victim, rise out a survivor.

3. If you want something in life, work for it. Don't marry for it or make yourself a cheap gamble for it. Remember that a gamble is always stacked in the favour of the casino. Don't get into any relationship just for the 'perks'. Perks fade away. But having lived precious moments of your life with assholes who don't deserve you, stays in your regrets forever. There is nothing that you can't earn by yourself. Look out at the world and the women out there and the people out there and you will find enough inspiration and proof of that.

4. You're beautiful. Let nobody tell you otherwise. The world is full of parasites wanting to make you feel insecure only so that they can take advantage of you. There's also the other kind of parasites that will over flatter you to make you feel 'special' so that you give in to their needs. Know yourself and be comfortable in your skin. Women are more subject to society's ideals of beauty than men - all you need to remember is that the body you live in is just a shell. What you really are, lives within that shell. You don't need to smoke or drink go be cool, wear make up to be beautiful, dress like xyz to look gorgeous, or do anything that you don't want to do. Simple as that. The people that really matter, like you as you are.

5. Be strong. Mentally, socially and physically. Read good books. Maintain good circles of influence. Connect with good people - there are dolphins even in oceans full of sharks. Lift weights. Eat protein rich diets. Learn krav maga. Coz trust me, life will present you with enough situations  where you will have to be your own hero, your own knight in shining armor, your own 911. Being able to stand up for yourself is way more important than trying to fit into a magazine and media driven 'fashion icon'. And the way I see it, its not even a choice - if you want, you can be both! Being strong doesn't make you all mega muscular and masculine. It only makes you more awesome.

6. Be a feminist. Not a feminazi. Nor a doormat. Don't allow opinions of others on being a 'woman' rile you up into a pile of frustration. Infact, you don't need to follow any opinion that does not pass your and your 'mentors' understanding of right and wrong. Most people who get riled up into feelings of any kind of gender, caste, age, or any kind of 'superiority' only end up degrading their capacity to form meaningful relationships with people. You are not any less of a woman if you go out of your way to care for a man you love. And neither are you any less of a woman if you gracefully accept the chivalry of a man who genuinely cares for you.

7. Get a Mentor. Or mentors. Especially of the same sex. And I'm saying of the same sex purely because sex does make a difference - Even if there is no sexual relationship or tension prevalent. And i'm not saying that you shouldn't have mentors of the opposite sex btw. Sometimes it's a parent, an elder, a wise friend or even someone you look up to and manage to reach out to. Because it always helps to have someone's experience guide you in life or at least provide a base level for your own evaluations of situations in life - may it be professionally, socially or in any other way.  And before you take any major decision, if you can, just keep them informed or at least have a discussion.

8. Make a bucket list. The only thing worth any fear in life, is regrets. Life has a way of blurring your vision and taking you away from what you really want in life. Sometimes having a bucket list in front of you just helps you keep track of what compromises in life might just not be worth it. Some compromises are worth making. Some, just aren't. Keep that bucket list with you and try to live it up. It adds purpose to your life - and that's one of the best ways I have known to keep life on track and not fall prey to what's 'in' and 'cool' and whatever the 'fad' of the moment may be. It's a way to think long term in a simple way. If you see yourself going of course, you can always re-evaluate and change course again.
PS: Don't throw away your old bucket lists. Just make new ones from time time. When you look back at them one day, it might tell you how far you have come.

9. Look beyond appearances. And this goes both ways - not all good looking people are shallow and kind, nice people need not always be ugly. You will require a balance in the long run. I have seen so many women compromise on what they want in life by telling themselves that they need to settle for less - and justifying their relationships with a big 'but'. The world is way larger than you think. When you get out of the bubble, you will see that. So don't rush into a relationship just because it's the closest you can get or because it is 'time'. Wait for it for when its right. And the only way to know that for real is to keep expanding your bubble and discovering more people.

10. And last but not the least, there is nothing bad in letting go of things that hurt you or your self esteem. May it be poisonous relationships, people, possessions,places or anything else. Don't let anybody ever guilt you into feeling bad about ending something that deserved to end. Cutting off a gangrenous limb doesn't make you evil or emotionless. It only shows that you care about the rest of your body and your life. Same goes for life. It's not as selfish as it sounds. You don't have to live in the place you were born in, In the family you were born into or into the 'institution' you were put into. If it challenges your happiness, break out. Break free.
Live YOUR life, build YOUR family and chase YOUR happiness. Everything else will fall into place.

And that is all I have to say. I hope this serves as a good guideline in life.
And I wish you an incredible life, a life well lived. Always.

-Pushkaraj S Shirke

6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Hi Pushkar, I read this blog of yours and it brought tears into my eyes, believe it or not. You wrote as if someone has stolen words from my mouth, as if someone has pen'd down my thoughts onto a paper. It is inspirational and feminist :). I have gone through all the emotions/situations which you blogged here except 7th and 8th. The days are not far :) !!
    Cheers
    VG

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    Replies
    1. thank you. im glad it touched you and helped you.

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  3. very well thought of and very well written.

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