Thursday, May 31, 2007

Unbroken



He's been there now
he's been there long
through a million nights
and a thousand scars

His wings are hurt
and eyes closing dim
sweat and blood none
but a pain within

his wings of steel
seem a burden now
into the darkness
held by a vow.

his pain kills him
but he wont die
his wings are heavy
but he shall fly

for in his spirit
and for the vows he's taken
his wings of steel,
like his promises made
shall today and forever...
remain unbroken.

-Pushkaraj Shirke

Sunday, May 27, 2007

HAPPyNESS



Yeah. i know thats not the way its spelt. its wrong. but sometimes, even the most wrong things are more right that every other 'right' thing in the world. You run around life, doing all the right things, the right way, in perfection, just the way the world finds it absolutely acceptable... but somewhere in this running around, you realise that what really makes you happy, is not all the 'right' things you did, but it is that one 'wrong' thing in your life that you just cant set right, in which lies your happiness.
and thats all that matters. and thats all that ever really will.

-Pushkaraj Shirke

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Aksar...



Aksar zindagi mein hum
kai khwaab sajaate hai,
aankhon ke daaman mein aksar
kai deep jalaatein hai,
andheron se anjaan..
apne hi khwaabon mein
zindagi si ek mehfil
sajaaye jaate hain.

chalte chalte zindagi mein
naa jaane kab raahon mein
andheron mein hum
yu kho jaatey hai...
unhi sapnon ko bech kar
andhere mitaaney lag jaatey hain
aur aksar unhi bujhey huye
chiragon ke sheeshe
aankhon se lahu bahaatein hain...

aur bas yunhi aksar,
chandd samjhautey jo kabhi
bas kuch zarrey theyy zindagi ke...
aksar zindagi hi ban jaatey hain.

-Pushkaraj Shirke

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Bleed




SMACK! He felt the salty floor cold against his bleeding face. The glow burned down on his eyes that were half shut with the pain. The blurs, the chatters, the shouts.. all seem to fade away.

"Bleed. we all bleed. They say you reach a point in your existence, that tells you your time has come. You recollect your life. Your rights and your wrongs. Your days - happy and bad...watch them right before your eyes and it seems to take away the pain... just moments before you take away that pain... and embrace the silence of the dead. and sometimes you think... MAYBE life could have been someother way."

an hour ago.
The night was silent as he made his way down the dusty road. The yellow lit up the roads standing dead where they had been standing for ages. The winds did not cross his path that day. His dry skin was beginning to work up a sweat around those half dark cirles that hid his eyes. He made his way towards the abandoned mill at end of the road. There were cheering sounds, thuds and claps and a dim golden glow sneaking outof the edges of the large wodden door. He closed his eyes as he reached the door, held a while, took a few slow breaths of air as he knew its may not be that easy once he crossed that door. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
It had been 5 years now.

5 years since that night where the end had begun. He had watched his friend. He had watched a fist smack down a victory to the ground as the crowds fell silent. Held his friends bloody, regret filled face in his hands. "tell mom i'm sorry man... im sorry" he frothed in blood through his mouth. DEAD.
The court case. BANKRUPTCY. The true colours of people. BETRAYAL. Bidding goodbye to the bloodring. A broken new beginning. The struggle. The compromises. HOPE. A new relationship. GLORY. A new circle. LIFE.
and the cirlce goes round again. RELATIONSHIPS OF LIES. The end of ignorance. The broken promises. The knowledge of MATERIALISM. The backstabbers. The fairweathers. The rejections. The firing. The drugs. The booze. The smoke. The dead high. The END OF A DREAM. The completion of a circle. The end of those 5 years. The beginning of today.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
"The door opened to a blare of cheers, a golden burning glow and the stink of bloody sweat. Cheering blood crazy bastads filled the room with their filth. The richer dogs hid their scrawny eyes behind dark glasses as they laid their bets on the table. The moron in the 'ring' was getting the flame of life kicked right out of his ass in a way he probably never thought was posible."
The crate came crashing across as the defeated slammed through it, falling right at his feet.
He just stood and stared.
"did i pity him? maybe i did. but then maybe i didnt. maybe he had found what he was looking for. we never know what people come to find in places like these."
The 'matchmaker', as they called him, came up to him with a look that recognised him from a long way back. "am i dreaming or am i mad. look who we have here." he just stood and forced a little smile. "please tell me u r gonna fight again man! i miss the money!... oh and your fighting."
The people around had noticed too. Whispers went around the room like it were on fire. There stood in front of them a face most of them had known a long ago. The silence had killed the victory celebrations of the bearded bastard who now jsut stared at him from the 'ring'.

"I'll fight."
"dont know what i myself was looking for. maybe... for an end to the misery that life had come to be. A pain to kill the pain. An end. yeah,... maybe thats all i was looking for... my Baptism by PAIN."

The dark room seemed to be a part of him – cold. Hard. Flickering. And closed. Memories ran past his eyes in the darkness as he wound the straps around his arms. The training days. The fighting days. Strap by strap. The days of friendship. The day his friend died. The pain on his face. Wound around him. His silhouette stood smothered in the dark. Fists clenched for a battle that seemed like one he had wanted to lose for a long, long time. The battle of life.

SUICIDE.
“It began like just any other fight.”
- “No rounds. No rules. 1 winner” signaling him with his eyes, the matchmaker was ready for his money even as the fight began.
“I was to lose the fight. The matchmaker was to make money. I was to get a percentage.” Knocked fists. 5 steps back. The room full of blood thirsty eyes gleamed with anticipation as they screamed out their lungs for their bets. Money was flying around the golden glow while 2 sweaty bodies stood steady, poised to strike; breathing in puffs, taking in all the air they could for they knew that later on, the same breath of air might just be way too much harder.
- “FIGHT!”
Whhhmmmmmmmmmp! He looked at the grisly fist zip past him as he swerved away. Stumbling a few steps backward. Dodging punch after punch he moved around the circle. Parrying punches. Rallying kicks like kids playing catch. Fooling around the ring. Till it came. CRACK. Right in the ribs. He could feel the aggravated beast knock right into him like a 2 ton bloody dinosaur that was hungry for his ribs. The sounds faded. The crowds blurred. GASP. He pulled in for all the air he could.
Back to his senses in a whipping flash of pain he grabbed at the beasts hair and slapped across his face almost helplessly. Thrashing. Breathing beggar’s morsels of air. Desperate. THUD. The beast’s head banged the floor as he set himself free. And onto his feet as fast as he could.

“I had just tasted the penalty of a mistake. The beast was like a bull-dog, he held on – once in his grasp, there would be no easy way out. But why was I worrying? I somehow… wanted the pain to crush me out.”

The beast shook his head. Turning it with his hands in bursts. The crackling tense muscles freed – he was ready to lash again.
The beast thrashed in. From the corner of his eye he could see the match maker signaling him to put up a little fight to raise the stakes.
The beast was heavy. Movied stong, but slow.
DODGE ….. DODGE. DODGE…… DODGE. DODGESMASH! SMASHSMASHSMASH! SMASHHHHHHH! DOWN.

The beast was down. Spuuuuurt! It had been a few flashes. The beast’s blood was sprayed across the golden glowing dust as he leaned over the floor. Aggravated… and now sworn to brutality. Charged into him. Jumping with both legs into his ribs again. Right across the ring and into the crowd!
BLUR .

“Life flashed by like a scratched up old film on a patched up screen. Memories of times that had put a smile to my face. I could see myself running around my father doing the ‘airplane’ at the park at age 5. my family. my first kiss. my bunch of friends. The pranks we played. The campfires. The day i proposed. the day I graduated. The day I was with her. It all came as if life wanted me to see those few ‘happy’ moments before i finally gave up to the silence.”

BLOOD.
He could see it fly across the glow as his body gave in to the punishment it was being gifted.

to be continued...

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

learning to hate

How does a person hate someone?
More importantly how does someone hate someone he has loved?
Of all the crazy experiences that life has thrown at me, over and over again, the one thing that has always evaded me is the capability to hate. Why the hell is it so difficult for me to hate? hate those very people who have given me one hell of a time, hate them whom i have trusted in return for their betrayal, hate them who have built castles of glass around me with their promises and broken them to shards and ripped me to pieces... why cant i hate them?

Why can't i hate you?
Maybe I know the answer myself. Maybe its just my illusion again.

For those people who have been a part of my life, especially those whom i have loved... how can I possibly ever hate you? I have smiled with you, we have shared tears, I have felt your pain, I have known the broken world you live in yourself... to the extent that you have become an indelible part of me. Whenever you hurt me... its been like an aching limb- believing that if I am hurt, maybe its because you are hurt too. if you hurt me, it was because you yourself were hurting too. Maybe you just couldn’t tell me that in a different way.
The few that made promises and left them broken, maybe you did so coz i failed you in someway, maybe you did so coz I just couldn’t let you know how much those promises meant to me... or maybe, you did so coz it just helped you feel a little better.

No point in you blaming yourself. Coz no matter what, nothing changes. Because letting you into my life was as much as my decision as much as it was yours to let me into yours. Pain shall never be on just one side. and I know that. It’s been my choice to open up to a stranger and let in whatever you gave - may it be the happiness, the smiles, the tears or the pain.

Knowing all this, now you tell me, how can I ever hate you? I have loved and hoped... and so have you. and if you couldn’t keep your promises when I kept mine, I have no other way but to believe that it was my belief that failed. Not yours.

I guess the only way I know I can hate you, is the only way I know I can.
Hate you – Hate you, coz I love you so much that life just doesn’t seem the same without you.

I hate you.
-Pushkaraj Shirke

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