Moving ahead...

Every night he lays back in bed.. tired.. wishing he could stop walking... wishing things were a little easier. just little easier. wishing he didnt have to bear the pain of knowing that the one person... that one person whom he loved beyond everything in the universe.. is 'somewhere else'. Faith is all that keeps him going. faith that its worth it all. faith that this time it aint like one of those that came haunting in the past. faith that this really is love.

every morning he wakes up to the little kid they had together.. kisses him.. puts on a smile and moves ahead. he walks in for a bath... and takes a little longer than usual everysingle day now. wonder how he evr discovered that water makes it easier to let the tears flow. Sometimes... just sometimes .. again like the past.. the glass of the ventilators seem tempting to the wrists. but he knows.. or rather keeps faith that it wont be only him that would carry this pain.

all through the day.. the people.. the strangers.. the friends... he goes through them all... but never for a moment does he lose from his mind the only memories that keep him alive. watching people together.. listening to songs... watching that little hotel on his way home... everything that brings to life those memories that he holds so dear break him a little as he moves ahead. piece by piece he gathers himself.. to move ahead - ahead to that one time that he hopes things would be different... reach that end where his memories for once agin would be real. for that point in time when the wait would be over.

night draws closer again... he drags himself to the party and has a great time... laughing, dancing,.. dancing right till then end even when no one dances anymore--- it somehow helps him from feeling the pain of being there... the pain that just dosent leave him. smiling at the million ppl that come across him. sharing laughs n yaps wid everyone like the world couldnt get any better. no one can see through him. its a curtain so dense that even he didnt know he could ever create. he is a stranger to himself when its all over. he isnt drunk... but he isnt himself either.

he reads that little diary a few times on the way home. oh yes.. thats one thing that goes with him wherever he goes. kisses it once. kisses it twice and closes it as he shuts his eyes. the cabbie says "saab, aagaye ". he pays the fare and gets to the doorstep. he waits at the door a few moments before knocking. he has made it through the day. he has moved a little more ahead to that one point in time that he so longs for. the pain he hopes will be all worth it. he hopes someone understands that he'll be there waiting... when he makes it through.

he has moved ahead. but he definitely hasnt moved on. for that is one thing he can never do. the one thing he can never do. maybe he's just a dreamer... but maybe thats what he's know as what 'love' really is.

-Pushkaraj Shirke