At 28, as an Indian boy, the social stereotype wants you to be 'settled'. Which in regular terms means married. When you are not, they want you to be. When you refuse, they wonder why. And then come the questions.
"how will i have grandkids if you don't marry?"
"do you want me to find you a nice girl?"
"why don't you marry one of your girl friends?"
"are you gay?"
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?"
To answer all these questions is difficult without rolling into laughter first. but after a few rens of times, it starts getting repetitive and boring. Especially annoying when people start their own quests to you 'settled'.
So I'm writing down this article to pen down my thoughts on the subject, piece by piece.
1. Married does not mean Settled.
I believe being at peace with yourself, being able to live your life on your own terms, being loved, being successful and having people to share that success and feelings and love with honestly is being settled according to me. Being married does not necessarily give you that. You can be 'settled' on your own as well. Infact, you should be settled yourself, before you even venture out to attach someone else's life and happiness to your own. Financially. Emotionally. Socially. Or you might just end up burdening 2 lives instead of one.
2. If I have to marry, I'll marry for the right reasons.
Don't marry because you need sex. Don't marry because you need companionship. Don't marry to quell your fears of loneliness or your fear of growing old alone. Don't marry because you need a financially secure future. There are so many reasons for which you definitely shouldn't get married, cause with time, they will only turn to regrets. As for reasons worth getting 'married' for do exist, but I personally am yet to find any but one - the capability to be absolutely honest with an individual who's as weird as you are in the pursuit of happiness. And such people are rare to find, but I'm better off willing to take my chances and face those odds than being tied down into something that my fears have driven me into - or worse, the fears of others have driven me into.
3. I'm Polyamorous.
Yes, I've heard and seen those fairytale romances and romance books and movies. One hero, one heroine, and happily ever after. And I've experimented with being like that too - but being honest to myself, I don't see myself as a one woman man. Maybe i'm not mature enough. Maybe the world is not yet mature enough. And I don't see myself capable of lying about it either. I have tried, and failed. If you ask me, monogamy isn't natural at all - but that's opening up a whole different debate. This is the point where people would jump in to say that "yeah, typical male - you just want to have sex." - but that exactly is the point you don't get. Being polyamorous means that you accept the fact that men and women both can be in love with more than just one person at any given point in time. Does that mean an open relationship? In many ways, yes. And in many ways no. Polyamorous is NOT the same as promiscuous. There is a difference. And I'll need an entirely different article to try and explain that difference.
4. Love and Sex and Friendship are not always mutually inclusive or exclusive.
excerpt from an article i have written previously:
Romantic love - which is more like a drug - overpowering your senses as powerfully as cocaine (yes, its lab proven) is a physiological-emotional reaction.
Friendship/Liking - is a more long lasting emotion. Something that can last a lifetime. and therefore is much more important in a long lasting relationship that love itself at times. After the love fizzles out - you can or cannot, may or may not reignite it (yes you can). But FRIENDSHIP or LIKING an individual, lasts. maybe not for eternity or whatever, but way longer than love does.
SEX - is a BIOLOGICAL NEED. just as love and friendship are psychological/social needs. Not only is it principally wrong to view them in the same balance - but it is also what makes abstinent people who disguise themselves in the guise of social power or religious godliness the most commonly known sexual predators. Coz it's unnatural! The true basic / carnal needs of human beings are FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER, SEX and BEING LOVED. (yes, sex and love are ACTUALLY unrelated though great when together.)
there is research (much cold-hearted as it maybe) to prove that the lack of either one of these can lead to death.
The most powerful relationships are those in which all three overlap - but it in no way suggests that THAT is the only way it can be.
it is perfectly natural to:
have friends you absolutely love but don't have sex with.
have friends you have sex with but don't feel passionate love for.
fall in love with a friend/s and have sex with him/her/them. And even when that is the case, it does not imply sealing it with societal obligation called marriage.
5. To me, a relationship built on mutual respect, honesty, friendship and genuine affection is more valuable than a million marriages.
I don't need to explain this point, but i'll still take a line to stress on the most important word in this line for me - HONESTY. that's the one thing I personally look for most in any relationship. And not too surprisingly, it's the toughest to find. Sometimes, being able to let go of someone for their greater good needs more love and willpower than it takes to work a 100 marriages.
6. Its not easy to be honest. or to take honesty. It's not everyone's cup of tea.
The fact is we live in a world so full of masks and lies that its increasingly difficult to find a person who can not only be honest, but also take honesty. Can you Imagine the drama after a woman who asks if she is fat being told that yes she is? And that's just the most trivial question yet. Life's full of a lot more bouncers. The question is can you take it? more importantly, do you really want it.
I don't know about the world, but i need it. its my drug. And i respect it. If anything, my best friend even today is the one most brutally honest person I've ever known. And i love her to smithereens. (yes it's a her and no she's not my 'girlfriend'. she's way more than that).
Somewhere along the way, the world has replaced the meaning of 'i love you' to 'i sexually own you' or 'all your possessions are mine" and has been running with that. People have more attachment to genitalia than to people themselves. It's a weird warped up we are in I guess. People are chasing things and obligations over happiness and emotions. but that's not a world i'm willing to give in to just yet. maybe, never. who knows.
For now, I'm happy being me.
And eventually, I might find a girl who is happy being her.
and we might be most comfortable being us.
And we might even get married. who knows.
But not right now. Not coz i 'should'. Not coz its what society expects of me. and definitely not to live a lie.
So let me be.
- Pushkaraj S Shirke
"how will i have grandkids if you don't marry?"
"do you want me to find you a nice girl?"
"why don't you marry one of your girl friends?"
"are you gay?"
"IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?"
To answer all these questions is difficult without rolling into laughter first. but after a few rens of times, it starts getting repetitive and boring. Especially annoying when people start their own quests to you 'settled'.
So I'm writing down this article to pen down my thoughts on the subject, piece by piece.
1. Married does not mean Settled.
I believe being at peace with yourself, being able to live your life on your own terms, being loved, being successful and having people to share that success and feelings and love with honestly is being settled according to me. Being married does not necessarily give you that. You can be 'settled' on your own as well. Infact, you should be settled yourself, before you even venture out to attach someone else's life and happiness to your own. Financially. Emotionally. Socially. Or you might just end up burdening 2 lives instead of one.
2. If I have to marry, I'll marry for the right reasons.
Don't marry because you need sex. Don't marry because you need companionship. Don't marry to quell your fears of loneliness or your fear of growing old alone. Don't marry because you need a financially secure future. There are so many reasons for which you definitely shouldn't get married, cause with time, they will only turn to regrets. As for reasons worth getting 'married' for do exist, but I personally am yet to find any but one - the capability to be absolutely honest with an individual who's as weird as you are in the pursuit of happiness. And such people are rare to find, but I'm better off willing to take my chances and face those odds than being tied down into something that my fears have driven me into - or worse, the fears of others have driven me into.
3. I'm Polyamorous.
Yes, I've heard and seen those fairytale romances and romance books and movies. One hero, one heroine, and happily ever after. And I've experimented with being like that too - but being honest to myself, I don't see myself as a one woman man. Maybe i'm not mature enough. Maybe the world is not yet mature enough. And I don't see myself capable of lying about it either. I have tried, and failed. If you ask me, monogamy isn't natural at all - but that's opening up a whole different debate. This is the point where people would jump in to say that "yeah, typical male - you just want to have sex." - but that exactly is the point you don't get. Being polyamorous means that you accept the fact that men and women both can be in love with more than just one person at any given point in time. Does that mean an open relationship? In many ways, yes. And in many ways no. Polyamorous is NOT the same as promiscuous. There is a difference. And I'll need an entirely different article to try and explain that difference.
4. Love and Sex and Friendship are not always mutually inclusive or exclusive.
excerpt from an article i have written previously:
Romantic love - which is more like a drug - overpowering your senses as powerfully as cocaine (yes, its lab proven) is a physiological-emotional reaction.
Friendship/Liking - is a more long lasting emotion. Something that can last a lifetime. and therefore is much more important in a long lasting relationship that love itself at times. After the love fizzles out - you can or cannot, may or may not reignite it (yes you can). But FRIENDSHIP or LIKING an individual, lasts. maybe not for eternity or whatever, but way longer than love does.
SEX - is a BIOLOGICAL NEED. just as love and friendship are psychological/social needs. Not only is it principally wrong to view them in the same balance - but it is also what makes abstinent people who disguise themselves in the guise of social power or religious godliness the most commonly known sexual predators. Coz it's unnatural! The true basic / carnal needs of human beings are FOOD, CLOTHING, SHELTER, SEX and BEING LOVED. (yes, sex and love are ACTUALLY unrelated though great when together.)
there is research (much cold-hearted as it maybe) to prove that the lack of either one of these can lead to death.
The most powerful relationships are those in which all three overlap - but it in no way suggests that THAT is the only way it can be.
it is perfectly natural to:
have friends you absolutely love but don't have sex with.
have friends you have sex with but don't feel passionate love for.
fall in love with a friend/s and have sex with him/her/them. And even when that is the case, it does not imply sealing it with societal obligation called marriage.
5. To me, a relationship built on mutual respect, honesty, friendship and genuine affection is more valuable than a million marriages.
6. Its not easy to be honest. or to take honesty. It's not everyone's cup of tea.
The fact is we live in a world so full of masks and lies that its increasingly difficult to find a person who can not only be honest, but also take honesty. Can you Imagine the drama after a woman who asks if she is fat being told that yes she is? And that's just the most trivial question yet. Life's full of a lot more bouncers. The question is can you take it? more importantly, do you really want it.
I don't know about the world, but i need it. its my drug. And i respect it. If anything, my best friend even today is the one most brutally honest person I've ever known. And i love her to smithereens. (yes it's a her and no she's not my 'girlfriend'. she's way more than that).
Somewhere along the way, the world has replaced the meaning of 'i love you' to 'i sexually own you' or 'all your possessions are mine" and has been running with that. People have more attachment to genitalia than to people themselves. It's a weird warped up we are in I guess. People are chasing things and obligations over happiness and emotions. but that's not a world i'm willing to give in to just yet. maybe, never. who knows.
For now, I'm happy being me.
And eventually, I might find a girl who is happy being her.
and we might be most comfortable being us.
And we might even get married. who knows.
But not right now. Not coz i 'should'. Not coz its what society expects of me. and definitely not to live a lie.
So let me be.
- Pushkaraj S Shirke
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